what do you know of pain?
by Serenity Of The Sound
Summary: A retelling of Mitarashi Anko's history. why did she really leave Orochimaru? why is she haunted at night? sorry for the bad summary please review! ankoXorochimaru pairing, possible smut in later chapters
1. once upon a time

there are many types of pain, and i, for one, have experienced so much of it, might be called an expert. you really don't know what that word means until you have lived a life like mine; one full of blood, full of heartbreak, full of abandonment, full of something like"love". pain is something that lives deep in your bones, much like fear. in fact, pain, love, and fear are mostly confused. but actually, they are a single emotion that eats away at you, stays with you, haunts you. "how do i know this?" you scoff, wary. "if you are such an expert, then tell me"  
it's not that easy, you see. my mind has been filled with this so long, that it hurts deeply to say it. but i will. i have to. why?  
it's what lies in my heart day and night, what dwells in my dreams, what watches me as i sleep. i have a name for that. want to hear it? you may not like it, as i don't either.  
"Orochimaru"  
that name rolls off my tounge and out my lips like a drop of honey, like the whisper of crushed velvet under my hands.  
how can a name mean so much? hurt so bad?  
it's not the name; well for me it is.  
but mostly it's the man that the name belongs to.  
"why do i fear him? love him? hate him"  
hey, i'm getting to that. but first, let me ask YOU a question.  
do you really want to know?  
this story isn't what you'd call a fairy tale, nor a child's bedtime story. it's way, way far from that.  
this is MY story, Mitarashi Anko's.  
and it's not pretty.  
so,  
still want to hear?  
are you sure?  
fine. well, don't say i didn't warn you, then. it was your choice.  
and this is mine.  
most of the stories you hear start with the words, "once upon a time" but one starts an entirely diffirent way.........

when i was born, nobody wanted me. i was the small, only daughter and child of a wealthy couple living in a village i don't know the name of. my mother went to parties, leaving me alone as soon as i could speak three-word sentences, and walk on my own. my father was never around, and i don't really remember his face. i would sit outside in the courtyard of our house all day beneath a small cherry blossom tree, catching the flowers. this tree was my only friend; no one else would talk to me. no one else would love me. one night, as i lie alone in my big, cold, bed, i decided to sneak out as i always did. because no one would notice me, no one would care. that is when i saw the ninja. masked and in all black they broke into the huge screen that was the door to our house, easily crashing through the carved wood and thick painted paper. the ripping sound reached my ears first as i walked down the hall in only a long shirt and robe, the fabric dragging on the ground off my small body. they saw me first and raised their kunai, but soon saw that a seven year old girl was not a threat, nothing to be afraid of. i herd screams in the distance, the screams of my parents. i backed up, but one of the ninja snatched me up by my short, spiky hair, and held a knife to my throat.  
this was my first taste of pure terror, and it wouldn't be my last.  
the knife instead cut into my side, and the ninja dropped me, laughing. they left, leaving me sprawled on the floor, blood spurting from a deep cut in my side. i scrambled up, and staggered down the hall to the master bedroom, where my parents slept. there they lay in their silk sheeted bed, throats slit, covered in blood. i let out something like a wail and a scream blended together, and rushed to their bedside, tears gushing out of my eyes, and running down my cheeks. the wound in my side was burning me, hurting me. "mother!" i shrieked, shaking her and smearing myself with her blood. it was still warm. "father!" they didn't move, didn't wake up. their eyes gazed up at the ceiling, glazed over with death. "please!" i sobbed, falling to my knees, holding onto one of her arms that had flopped down with me. "please! don't leave me alone!" at seven years old there was a lot that i had not understood: why i was shunned and left alone, why i did not go to school like all the other rich little girls, why my mother and father were almost always out. But there was one thing i finally understood that night: that thing was death. the one thing a little girl should ever know until she is grown and strong.  
i was neither.  
i stayed crouched on the ground for the longest time, crying, covered in blood, just holding on to my dead mother's arm. Holding on to all that i had left in the world. i heard nothing else in that house except for my sobs, and the beat of my heart. i wished for my parents to take me into their arms for the first time in all my seven years, to come to life and comfort me, to tell me that it would all be okay. it was the thing i had always yearned for.  
to be "loved"  
the house was silent for many hours, until i heard foot steps coming near the bloodied master bedroom that held me and the blood soaked bodies of my parents. i shook in fear, and had to stifle the whimper of fear that threatened to slip out of my quivering mouth. the foot steps came closer, until they echoed in my ears along with my heart beat, which was beating so fast it was like the sound of a humming bird's wings. i closed my eyes tightly, shivering, just willing it to end quickly, so i could be with my parents.  
so i could be "loved" "poor child. it's all right. you are safe now."

and with those words, so beautiful to me, so kind, so gentle, my life changed forever.


	2. i am Orochimaru

i can already hear the question you are about to ask, dear reader.  
"why did his words mean so much"  
you see, as a child, until i met him, i had never known kindness. sure, my parents spoiled me, gave me pretty cloathes, toys and gifts. but they had never said a kind word to me. or loved me.  
and he had.  
or so i thought.  
he looked like a god, unlike any person i had ever seen in my short life.  
and that,  
is why i knew from that moment that i could never, ever give him up.  
no matter how hard i tried to later.  
but that,  
my dear reader,  
comes later in the story.  
for now, let's just continue on.

i looked up with frightened eyes, still clutching my dead mother's limp, bloody arm. The stranger was unlike any man i had ever seen:  
he was beautiful.  
if such a word could describe him, that would be it.  
the stranger before me was tall, with long ebony hair that fell almost the his lower back. he was pale as ivory, with golden eyes lined with some kind of dark violet tattoo, rather like the color of my eyes. but it was not the way he looked, it was his aura.  
power and strength was almost radiated off of him.  
he was dressed like a ninja, in standard chunnin leaf gear, with a leaf headband.  
i whimpered, at first thinking that he was there to finish the job.  
i was wrong.  
"it's all right." he soothed, holding out his arms to me.  
"i am not going to hurt you. i am here to help you"  
i, the child,  
was lured in my his velvety voice and safe words.  
with wide, confused eyes i let him pick me up from the floor, and i releaced my death grip on my mother's corpse's arm. i was covered in my parent's lifeblood, but this man did not seem to mind. he carried me like an infant, and looked down on me with almost pitying eyes.  
"what is your name, child"  
he almost made me forget the corpses lying in the room.  
"Mitarashi Anko." i whispered, voice quivering.  
i did not fear him, but this powerful stranger made me feel strange.  
almost uneasy.  
"then you are their child. but no longer"  
he looked at me, his eyes almost piercing my very soul.  
"i see strength in you, little Anko. if you come with me, i can make you strong"  
a deep anger had formed in my heart at that time.  
before i met him, i had felt weak.  
i could not save my parents.  
i could not fight the thieves.  
i had felt useless.  
i had no reason to live, to exist.  
"can you make me strong enough to kill them"  
came my childlike question, one way beyond my years.  
the stranger seemed pleased.  
but you see, i meant every word.  
"stronger. is that what you want? to come with me and become my student"  
i did not even have to think about was i leaving behind?  
two dead corpses,  
and all my fear and weakness.  
"yes. i want to come with you"  
he smiled, and smoothed down my hair.  
"i thought so"  
he carried me out of that horrible room, and i left everything i had known behind.  
that life had been safer then the one i had just chosen.  
"who are you"  
i asked, confused for a moment. why was he doing so much for me, a child that he had just picked up out of a slaughter.  
his smile was just for me, and grew softer.  
"i am Orochimaru."

and that, dear reader, is how it all began. but i am not done.  
there is much more to this story then meets the eye.


	3. kunoichi do not cry

i think i gave you the wrong impression of him. to lonely, scared, hurt, me, he seemed like an angel. he was my savior, but now, no more. and i bet you can guess why.  
no?  
well that's rather disappointing. i thought you were smarter then that. i guess i'll have to continue with my story. after all, you need to know why everyone fears him now, hates him. including me.  
it's not that easy though, even now.  
why are you looking at me like that?  
i'm not crazy!  
well, we all are, a little bit, but that's not the point.  
weren't you listening?  
he was my life, my reason for living.  
understand now?  
no?  
arrgh! i guess i'll just have to explain it to you then.  
so listen closely to the rest of my story.  
that is,  
if you can stand it.

The days after that seemed to pass by in a blur of sorts. i was taken to the village hidden in the leaves, and presented to someone old that i had not known before. Orochimaru had told me that this man had been his sensei. just like Orochimaru was mine then. the old man gave me a warm smile, and began to talk with Orochimaru. i stood silently at my sensei's side, in the clothes that he has bought for me: a black shirt, shorts, net leggings and ankle guards. my dark hair was pulled in it's usual up-do that i had worn before, and my charm that i had been given at birth hung from my neck by a thick cord. "my name is Sarutobi, Anko." said the old man, looking down on me kindly. "you are going to live with Orochimaru from now on, and become a kunoichi. is that what you want?" i had been asked this question before, and i knew what i wanted. and i would do anything to get it.  
"yes, Sarutobi-sama." i answered politely, although all i wanted to do was just leave with my new sensei.  
i trusted Orochimaru with all my life, even though i had only known him for a few days. he had taken care of me, and saved me from a world of weakness. i only felt a whisper of pain from my parent's death, the people i had called mother and father. they didn't matter as much to me anymore.  
Orochimaru and the power would be my life from then on.  
after a few more moments Orochimaru led me out of the room where we had met sarutobi, and bent down to talk to me.  
he liked to keep eye contact with me, to get his point across.  
he didn't know that i hung on his every word, if he looked at me or not.  
"if you live with me, Anko, you will not have an easy life. you will have to train hard, and do everything i tell you to do, if you like it or not. do you understand"  
i nodded, understanding.  
"yes, Orochimaru-sensei"  
and although i did not know it at the time, those words sealed my fate.  
We arrived at his "house" four days later, if you could call it that.  
it was more like a lair, and from then on that is what i called it, inside my mind of course, where i thought he could not see it.  
the entrance was built into the ground; the whole building ran underground, sort of like a giant basement. The hallways and rooms stretched for miles and miles. he showed me to my new room, which held a soft bed, a desk with drawers filled with scrolls, paper, pens, and ink, a table for my weapons, and a closet that was half full with new clothes for me. I memorized the route to my room, praying that i would not get lost.  
"i am going to retire for the night, Anko. my room is just down the hall. we start your training tomorrow, so do not stay up too late"  
he hugged me, and left the room before i could say goodnight, or anything else. and that is when i started to cry.  
why, you ask?  
in my life, i had never been hugged, not once. i had been a rather soiltary child, never shown love, or kindness.  
Orochimaru had given me a home, a place to belong, and cared for me.  
these were the things i had wished for most, thinking i would never recive them.  
but now that i had, i did not understand why.  
my tears stopped quickly.  
"kunoichi do not cry." i told myself as i got ready for bed.  
as i lay down to sleep, i replayed back every scene in my mind, from my parent's death, to my coming here. and still, i did not understand it.  
why had he saved me?  
why was he giving me a home?  
why was he helping me?  
"it doesn't matter." i whispered to myself, as my tired body gave in to the promise of sleep.  
"he is, and that's all that matters."

little did i know, the reason really did matter.  
it would destroy me later.


	4. temptation

you still don't get it, do you?  
jesus, is it that damn hard for you to understand?  
well, to be fair, i didn't expect you to understand in the first place, so whatever.  
that just means I'll have to go on.  
oh what?  
no, I'm not fucking crying! i just have something in my eye, that's all.  
*sniff*  
it did matter, by the way, the reason he took me in. but I'll reveal that later.  
hey!  
be patient!  
your the one who wanted to hear this, anyway.  
i could give a damn.  
so you will just have to listen close, and decide for yourself.

after the first night there, i learned many things.  
first, he was right.  
i would not have an easy life. i would have to work to get what i wanted. he woke me up at dawn every morning, so i could get dressed, and preform my mid-training chores. i swept the east wing of the lair, and cleaned my room at this time, until i got older. after i was dressed and ready he would either take me into the big stone chamber used for training, or deep into the woods near the lair.  
i learned many things in these training sessions, which lasted until the sun was high in the sky and glaring down.  
i didn't just learn jutsu, which i craved but other things.  
other things that he told me were forbidden, but powerful.  
"concentrate, Anko." he commanded, in his usual calm voice. he almost never raised his voice with me, unless he really needed to. "call them to you. you need to WANT it for the jutsu to work." sweat broke out on my forehead as i concentrated hard, a vein throbbing in my temple. i had just turned eight, and he was teaching me more of his powerful jutsu.  
"strikeing shadow snake"  
dark green stakes shot out of my sleeve, biting into a tree in front of me.i swung my arm in an arc, and tore the tree out of the ground, sending it flying to the other end of the clearing. the snakes shot back into my black sleeve, and i slowed my breath. i had been panting with the effort to control the jutsu.  
"well done." praised Orochimaru, placeing a hand on my shoulder.  
i had gotten used to him touching me; a hug before we retired for the night, an arm squeeze to catch my attention, a hand on my shoulder. he was like a father.  
i cared for him like so.  
"let's go back before you pass out. you are done for the day. no chores"  
i wiped the sweat from my forehead and walked at his side. "yes, orochimaru-sensei"  
we walked like this, side by side. a rare passer-by might think we were father and daughter.  
it was almost like that.  
i had learned more in a year then i had in my entire life with him. i settled into a routine there, that i followed almost every day.  
unless he went out on missions.  
then i was left alone.  
the whole day was mine to choose after i had done my chores, and i useuly went wandering around the huge lair.  
there were many doors that were locked up tightly, one of which that was chained and bolted shut. if i pressed my ear to that door, sometimes i would hear things. like heavy breathing, and sometimes sobbing.  
at first i was afraid.  
but then i realized he would never let anything hurt me.  
and what was his business, was his business. he would show me if he wanted to show me.  
even though i was a master lock picker.  
i couldn't resist the temptation for long....

yeah, that's me. the little sneak that couldn't ignore any locked door.  
nut once i opened it, there was no going back.


	5. are you afraid of me?

have you ever seen a locked door with no one around?  
you start to wonder what lies behind it,  
even when it is forbidden.  
thats what i felt.  
along with the sense that i would get punished.  
i resisted,  
but not for long.  
it was the choice that would change my life even more then it changed when he took me in.  
it was the choice that screwed up my life,  
or one of them anyway.

although i was too afraid to ask what was behind the door, it was in my thoughts for days. what was behind it? did i really want to know? the mind of a child is a curious one, with eyes that take everything in. i wanted to see. i told myself that i would not get caught if i was careful enough.i also told myself that it would be just a peek, and that was it. i lied. i waited until he left on one of his two-day-long missions, the ones that tired him out so much that upon coming home he instantly retired for the day. we said our usual farewells, and i did my chores like a good little girl.  
then, i got out my lock pick.  
at first, i hesitated. a cold wind was moving through the lair, like a warning. that night i went to bed, but the next morning i was determined to find out what was behind that door. Orochimaru would be home by nightfall, and i had more then enough time.  
or so i thought.  
i worked on the lock for what seemed like forever, my ear pressed to the door. i finally heard the sweet sound of all four tumblers turning, and i turned the knob, going in as slowly as i dared. i was not prepared for what i saw next.  
in my mind i had imagined the room to be different. when i lay in bed at night unable to sleep, i imagined a room full of weapons, or perhaps even another bedroom. my guess, however was totally wrong.  
i had stepped into what seemed like a sterilized lab, with a metal table, computer monitors, tools and life support machines. there was a white curtain separating half the room, with trembling fingers i pulled it back.  
if i had just left,  
i wouldn't be who i am now.  
cells made of steel bars contained people; dead alive, or drugged, they all looked the same to me. there were locks on each cell door, and i approached a cell fearlessly.  
for some reason i was not afraid.  
if this was another way to gain power, it didn't matter to me.  
curiously i reached in, my fingers close to touching a corpse inside one of the cells.  
i felt a heavy hand on my shoulder, and flinched.  
"Now how did you get in here Anko? i am sure i locked the door"  
this was it: i was caught redhanded. i would be punished, beat, or worse; abandoned.  
"s-sensei, i...." i tried to say.  
he turned me around, and bent down to speak with me. i could not read the expression in his eyes.  
"this is how i develop my jutsu, little Anko. are you afraid of me now? do you want to leave"  
this suprised me. i had been expecting a scolding, to be punished, to be cast out. how could i be afraid of him?  
how could i be afraid of the man, which in my mind, i called father?  
"no sensei. i never want to leave"  
I flung myself at him, and hugged him tightly. he chuckled.  
"you are that fond of me, to stay even though you know know my secret"  
he hugged be back, my body fitting perfectly in his arms.  
"that makes me happy"  
i smiled slowly, glad that it did.  
and of course, partly because i was not in trouble.  
"now let's go. it is time for dinner"  
he let be go but took my hand, and led me out of the lab.

it was another beginning, and an end to my childhood.


	6. only a dream

did i just hear you call me a lier?  
did you just tell me he's not that bad?  
what the hell!  
have you been LISTENING?  
ahh, well, i guess you'd understand better if i finish.  
and believe me, there's a looong way to go.  
and by the way,  
stop giving me that look.  
you know what I'm talking about.  
THAT look.  
what look, you ask?  
stop, looking at me like I'm insane.  
cause I'm not, even if you might hear diffrent from all the other idiots in the village.  
that aside, i think it's time i continue.

after that day i broke into the lab, he seemed more open to me. it was as if a large weight was lifted off his shoulders. when he left out on missions, he sometimes brought me back little things; a barrette for my hair, a new knife, and once a new formal kimono embroidered with scarlet dragons. we were closer then ever,and almost couldn't bear being alone when he left on his missions. an hour before he retired for the night, he would sit in the study with me cuddled in his lap, and tell me of the battles he faced when he was younger. but once he told me something entirely different. something i did not expect.  
it was like it had always been, as he picked me up and set me in his lap, so i could hear the night's tale.  
"tonight, Anko, i will not tell you of a battle." i looked up at him with confused eyes.  
"then what, Orochimaru-sensei"  
he smiled down on me, but this was not the smile i was used to.  
this smile was sad.  
i had never seen him sad before, annoyed a few times, once i saw him angry. only once.  
but never sad.  
"tonight i will tell you the story of my parent's death"  
at that moment i realized i had not thought about my parents since the first week i arrived with him.  
i had forgotten, and been occupied with everything else.  
with him.  
"they died for me, or rather the village." he started, as i gently held one of his hands.  
"they died a true shinobi's death in a war that i myself had seen. i was not old enough nor skilled enough to fight at that time. one moment i had all i wanted, my family. the next i was left alone in the dark. it was at that moment i knew that a shinobi was what i was to be in their honor. i was angry, and felt weak. i could do nothing. i began to crave power"  
an overwhelming sense of depression started to wash over me as he told the story, murmuring every detail. my violet eyes were wide with shock as i listened attentivly, never missing a word.  
the story ended, and i hugged him tightly.  
he said nothing for a moment, but returned the hug. we held on tightly for a long time, until he broke the embrace.  
"off to bed with you, anko." his kissed my forehead softly, and lifted me off his lap. i did as i was told and went straight into my room, replaying the events of the day over and over in my mind.  
he had told me the story of his parent's death, something that he would tell no one else.  
we were the same. he had felt the agonizing loneliness i had felt all my life, known the pain that came with solitude. he understood.  
he cared for me.  
i was starting to wonder what exactly i felt for him, but before i could question my heart, i fell asleep.  
i had a nightmare and woke up, crying out. i was covered in a cold sweat and my legs were twisted in my sheets. i was trembling hard, my heat hammering in my chest. i let out a sob, wishing for comfort.  
without another thought, i slipped out of bed and left my room, running to his. he was still awake, sitting at his desk that was crowded with reports and scrolls. he too, had not been able to fall back asleep.  
he instantly spotted my shivering form in his doorway, a look of concern crossing his face.  
"what's wrong, Anko?" he asked, looking up from his stack of reports.  
"i had a nightmare, orochimaru-sensei." i answered, my voice shaking.  
he smiled a little, and slid his chair back, opening his arms. "come here, then"  
i walked over to him and he picked me up, settling me into his lap. i clung to him tightly, shivering. he hugged me tightly, his arms tender and strong.  
"shhhh." he soothed. "it was only a dream. you are fine." he stroked my hair and i calmed down. i was tired and fell asleep in his arms before i could stop myself. i felt safe, warm, unafraid.  
i felt loved.  
and i did not want to give up that feeling ever.  
i would fight for it.

and that was one of the many reasons why i am the way that i am now.


	7. grown up

part seven

*sigh*  
don't even think about saying it.  
you know what i mean.  
what? i can see the words forming on your lips.  
"he's not so bad"  
bullshit. you have no idea how wrong you are.  
but.  
perhaps i am being a bit harsh, well, to you i mean.  
to him i could care less about, wherever he is.  
well,  
let's try to finish this then.

as the years went on things began to change; myself, my thoughts, and more importantly, Orochimaru.  
it was as if every year that passed made him more aware of myself.  
instead of waking automatically at dawn eagerly like i did as a child i would sleep for hours, lost in long dreams that i did not understand. he would come into my room and try to shake me awake, and most of the time it worked. the other times i would meet his stern, serious eyes with a gaze so like his own, that would make an amused smile press onto his own lips.  
sometimes, about once a month, i would wake up even earlier then dawn, dress and sneak out of the lair into the pre dawn darkness, and take off into the forest. i would run for hours and hours, like hell itself was chasing me. i built up my stamina that way, but it was not the reason why i ran.  
i ran mostly to be free. even though i had everything i could ever possibly want, something slumbered deep in my heart.  
i didn't understand it, but i knew what it felt like.  
it was telling me to get away. that the path that i was on was not the right one for me. a few times when i reached the boarders of the forest i entertained the idea to just keep on running. i wondered what would happen. would he come after me with his ninja?  
or,  
would he just let me run without a second thought?  
that was the thought that scared me most of all.  
at thirteen i was a tall, slender spitfire with serious violet eyes a shade lighter then my hair, the only thing that haden't changed. instead of sharing every possible thought with Orochimaru, i kept most to myself, often staring off into space, a tiny smile on my face. i now had a well filled in figure, and was developing quickly.  
none of that slowed me down while i trained with my sensei.  
"well done." i wiped at the sweat that was forming on my forehead, nodding. "but not well done enough." i thought to myself, as my eyes were stuck on the almost-giant snake in front of me. I could do better, way better if i tried harder. but i was almost at my limit. i was slightly irritated at myself for tiring out so soon. i fought to control my breath; the summoning jutsu always tired me out. i usually ended up sleeping a whole day and half a night, then spending the other half running through the forest.  
"anko"  
he voice had broken my train of thought. i had been staring off into space for a long moment. "hmmm?" i answered, turning to look at him.  
the first thing i noticed, were his eyes.  
over the years i had learned that most of his emotions resided in the depths of his golden eyes. i had learned to recognize praise,anger,a faint trace of sadness, irritation, and sometimes on rare occasions, a glimmer of tenderness. but the look he was giving me was something entirely different.  
later i would learn that it was one of lust.  
silence filled the air for many moments, and i found myself blushing under his heavy, intense stare.  
"ummmm........ok then. I'll just go back to my room now, sensei." i said, turning back around. he did nothing to stop me, nor did he say anything else. i started to walk back to the lair, my heart racing. what had that been about?  
i didn't even want to think about it at the time. all i wanted to do was sleep.  
it was the first time i had ever walked home without him.  
i ate quickly when i reached the lair, itching to fall into my bed with it's cold sheets and promises of dreams. my room was dark as usual, but i knew my way around it. i didn't have to see. i felt my way to my bathroom, and took a long cold shower, washing off the sweat and dirt of my long day of training. i got out, dried myself off, and pulled on a pair of black shorts and a loose shirt to sleep in.  
my bed was everything i knew it would be, and i sank into it's cold sheets and into one of my insane dreams once again with a content sigh.  
i thought that nothing could ever be that perfect.  
"perfect" was a word i would never use again.  
in my dream i ran through the lair's forests, my feet bare. cold air caressed my face, and whispered through my hair as my feet hit the ground in a practiced rhythm. i ran, dodging branches and stones, running as if the world had no meaning anymore. as if everything were dead. tears were flowing out of my eyes and i was filled with an unbearable sadness, so great that i thought my very heart would split open. it was dark, and shadows seemed to pass me as i ran.  
nothing seemed as it should be.  
i sensed chaos in the sadness. i did not like this feeling.  
it scared me.  
my body suddenly felt as if it were plunged into ice water, and i fell, hitting the ground hard. i cried out, then woke up.  
my breath came in ragged gasps, and i was covered in sweat, like i really had been running. i let out something like a sob, and sat up in bed.  
only for my eyes to meet with a pair of golden ones.  
sensei.  
i blinked hard, wondering if i was still stuck in the dream. i reached out with a tentative hand, the tips of my fingers touching the pale skin of his cheek. those golden orbs closed, as if in ecstasy.  
no.  
not a dream at all.  
my heart hammered in my chest, like it was about to burst out into flight.  
a strong hand gripped my wrist, pulling me forward. to my surprise, i let myself be pulled into his lap, like a child.  
he held me for a long while, and i listened to our heartbeats. he was warm, comforting, erasing my dream with an embrace.  
after what seemed like a thousand years i looked up, meeting his eyes.  
the first kiss made my heart stop.  
the second made it beat again.  
it felt as if i were being killed, then brought back to life again.  
i loved the feeling. i wanted more. i didn't want to stop. i never wanted to move, to leave, to breathe. he let go first, and i sucked in a breath; he had taken mine away. he looked at me, his eyes intense.  
"is this really what you want"  
he didn't need to ask. i nodded slowly, electricity coursing through my veins.  
he shook his head.  
"i want you to say it, Anko. i want to hear your voice"  
at that point i would have done anything for more.  
and i mean anything. i was addicted.  
"this is what i want"  
i didn't know what i was getting myself into;  
only moments before i knew what this man was to me, my sensei, and almost my father.  
now i didn't know what to make of him.  
with gentle hands he eased me out of his lap, and placed me on my bed, so that i was lying on my back. my eyes were half closed and it all felt like a dream. i was still reeling from his last kiss, and i felt weightless. He loomed above me, pressing his lips to my own. his weight on me was nothing, and i didn't notice it as i threw my arms around his slender neck, and held tight to him. he cupped my face with his cold, strong hands, a snake the color of dusk sliding out of the sleeve of his robe and binding us together.  
my eyes, now closed, were filled with visions of his golden ones. i felt as if i were drugged, heavy with passion. as he broke the kiss for air he moved to my neck, nipping at the skin with his slightly sharp teeth. my whole body felt as if it were on fire. i tilted my head as he caressed the tender flesh of my throat with his lips, breathing hard.  
"this isn't happening!" my mind screamed. "it's all a dream! it's not real"  
he chuckled softly, moving to one of my ears.  
"it's not a dream." he whispered, lips brushing skin, sending shivers down my spine. he always knew what i was thinking. but that was just him. it had never bothered me, but it felt like he was looking into my mind. without thinking about it i frowned slightly.  
"anko"  
when he said my name it was like he was singing it; it was drawing me in, hypnotizing me with every touch.  
"are you regretting your choice"  
when i opened my eyes i saw stars dancing in his. "never"  
and i was right. for the moment.  
he smiled slightly, stroking my cheek.  
"good."


End file.
